“Do you work?” is a question poised to moms that makes my blood boil. Yes, I have a job, but also, being a mom is work — and I don’t appreciate anyone acting like it isn’t. For “working mothers” (hate that term!) and stay-at-home moms, we all know how much work raising kids can be, full stop. And while I would not be one to judge how another mom lives, one dad on Reddit is a little concerned about his wife … and I can definitely see his point. She’s a SAHM of three kids 5 and under, yet she has some pretty cushy help to the tune of $90,000 a year. It doesn’t leave much for her to actually do around the house.
In the “Am I The A—hole?” subreddit, a concerned husband wrote about his wife, who is “stressed” all the time despite having her kids in daycare and hiring a maid.
“My wife and I have 3 kids, they’re 5 and 3 and 3. I work full time, she’s stay at home,” he wrote. “We have our kids at daycare 40 hours a week. We also hire a maid once a week. I work at a job that can afford this, but we’re spending ~$90k a year on these services.”
Whoa! That’s … a lot. That age does make it hard to get anything done, but you don’t have to worry about (too much) upkeep if you have a maid. And if the kids are in daycare full-time, how does the mom spend her days?
“My wife typically naps several hours in the day when the kids are at daycare,” the dad said. He goes on, “I see peers who have multiple kids with one parent stay at home who are able to do it with no daycare or maid. I know our situation is a little tougher with twins, she takes care of wakeup and getting them ready for daycare and dinner/pickup. We both handle dinner/ bath and bed, then I clean.”
It sounds like they split the household duties pretty evenly, and then the husband works and the wife just stays home … to nap? Is she actually a stay-at-home mom at this point, or just a housewife? I’m all for outsourcing help if you want and can afford it, but something isn’t working, because her partner isn’t happy with the arrangement.
When she isn’t napping, her husband said, she’s spending her time working out, and giving back through volunteer opportunities. Unfortunately, this hasn’t helped relieve her stress.
“A year ago, my wife started exercising with friends and meeting up with women regularly and helps out with some local orgs for a couple hours a week. (all great things),” he said. Yet, she is still stressed. “My wife is always stressed about something, nagging or critical to me about things not done to her preference or timing. I feel like as a stay at home mom with kids in daycare and a maid, things should be a lot more chill.”
Right. So, this husband doesn’t even really seem upset that the kids are in daycare and a maid cleans while his wife hangs out with her friends. The main point: she’s stressed and complaining about the kids and him, with seemingly very little reason. That’s got to be exhausting!
“We both recognize if I had a job that paid less, we’d have to do without daycare or a maid, and we’d survive,” he continued. “Am I being unreasonable?”
Obviously, Reddit had some words for this mom.
“How can you be a stay at home parent if there’s no kids at home to parent?” one person said, which is a good point! “I support a part-time daycare situation to socialize the kids at a certain point (what that age is really depends on what you guys agree on), but it doesn’t sound fair that you foot the bill for her to stay home full time while also paying for full time daycare. “
“It sounds more like she is a housewife than a SAHM,” another commented. A housewife who doesn’t actually seem to do much house managing!
“What is she doing all day at home if the kids are in daycare and a maid is cleaning the house?” another wrote. “I know reddit is all about defending how stressed out SAHMs are, but if someone stays at home I think they need to be contributing to the household in some way, whether that is watching the kids or keeping up with the household (or ideally both, because who can afford to outsource everything?) “
The OP responded, “She’ll nap for 2-3 hours, have lunch, do chore like laundry and dinner prep, errands and takes the kids to doctors visits. But yeah, ¯_(ツ)_/¯.”
Huh … I’m not going to lie, I understand why this dad is frustrated. That’s a lot of money to drop just so his wife can nap, do prep work, and run a few errands. Maybe they could compromise and the kids could be in daycare just part-time? It would save money and still give her plenty of time to herself, you would think.
A stay-at-home mom weighed in on the situation, writing, “As a SAHM myself, I usually come in guns blazing to defend other SAHMs … however, with all of this outsourcing, I honestly don’t understand why your wife would be so stressed.”
She also asked, “Could she be dealing with depression or anxiety? Are there other factors (extended family maybe?) that are causing her stress? Because if she’s really just getting the kids dressed, napping, eating lunch, running errands, and cooking dinner… that really should not be super stressful for an average person. I would have a heart to heart with her and encourage her to at least speak with a therapist.”
The dad responded to this message, writing, “She’s very type A and was a perfectionist, and she was raised primarily by her mother. She had some vivid memories of parents letting her cry it out and I think that really affects how she parents. She seems very reluctant to let kids cry, even when they are just unhappy.”
Many others commented that there may be some depression or anxiety at play here, one of which OP responded, “Hmmm.” At least it’s getting him to think! Maybe with therapy and/or medication, she would be able to manage her symptoms and help her find more peace and happiness in her day-to-day.
“My first thought was depression as well,” someone else wrote. “It sounds like she isn’t happy with some aspect of her life. I’m a SAHM with a nanny and housekeeper. I’m never napping or sitting around. I have a nanny to help bc I’m often running around with one of the kids while the other is napping. I’m very present. The fact that the three year olds are in full time daycare indicates to me that she may be incredibly burnt out or depressed and doesn’t want to be around her kids that much. How long have they been in daycare?”
The dad even shared a little insight into their lives before kids. “So it’s not like she’s spending all day on her self or hobbies, I’m actually trying to get her to do more self care” (more self care?!) “and worry less about kids,” he wrote in a comment. “Before kids, she worked full time and we both did lots of stuff outside work. Life was pretty good.”
If she has drastically changed that much since having kids, it’s definitely worth a look into postpartum depression. Up to 1 in 7 women can experience postpartum depression, which can be characterized by feeling hopeless, not finding joy in things you did before, and not connecting with your kids among other things.
Luckily, this caring dad doesn’t seem to want to control her activities; rather, he’s trying to support her and help lower her stress levels. He also seems open to therapy, so hopefully she’ll get the help she needs soon. Maybe she’ll realize she wants to go back to work or take the kids out of daycare or something else. Either way, it’s worth reaching out for help when you are this stressed — no matter how cushy your lifestyle.
Before you go, check out these wild stories about Reddit’s most horrific mother-in-laws.
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